My Life In the Spirit Part-I

I was born in 1951 in Manhattan, NYC,  in what was then called, "Columbia Heights," and which is now just considered to be a part of Harlem.  As a toddler I was visited by “spirit lights” as I sat in my crib, quietly awake in the very early AM.   The lights would come and circle and surround me in a playful manner.  Eventually, as I got older, the lights no longer appeared and I didn’t see anything like them until 40 years later when I was sitting in the pitch darkness in a stuffy living room in a small house on the Rosebud Sioux Reservation, where Medicine Man, Robert Steed was “calling in the spirits” during a sacred Lakota Lowampi (“healing sing”) Ceremony. As the drummer sang the special “calling in” song, those lights once again danced around the room just as they did in my childhood room. 

At age 11, I had a classic direct experience of the non-dual reality, where I could no longer experience myself as the name and form that was somehow associated with my consciousness.  Having no context for my experience, and not being able to convey the experience to my parents in a way that would elicit some help with understanding what had happened,  I was frightened by it all.  I thought something was wrong with me.

At age 19 (1971) I was working as a Radio Personality on a groundbreaking progressive rock radio station, WLIR-FM in Long Island, NY.  It was during this time that I began reading about Yoga philosophy, and how the universe was a projection of the Self, and not a hard and fast separate reality that we merely perceive through the senses.  This clicked so heavily with me, and answered so many questions.  

The book that started it all for me

  One day, WBAI, the Pacifica listener sponsored radio station in NYC,  was promoting their playing of a tape of Baba Ram Dass, formerly Richard Alpert, the Harvard University Psychologist cohort of Timothy Leary and his "League for Spiritual Discovery (LSD), entitled, "The Transformation of a Man - Richard Alpert to Baba Ram Das."  Much to my dismay, the program was to air precisely at the time that I was to be on the air on WLIR FM.  So I decided to patch an old FM receiver to a reel-to-reel tape deck in the station's production studio and try to record the show. Well as the graces would have it, the taping went off without a hitch, and I was anxious and excited to get home to listen to the tape.  When I got home I settled in, smoked a little bit of pot, started the tape and lay down on my bed and listened to the talk that eventually became Ram Das' book, "Be Here Now!"  When Ram Das came to the place in the story where his soon-to-be Guru, Neem Karoli Baba (Maharaji), told Ram Dass that Ram Das had been out under the stars the night before, some miles away from the Guru, thinking about his mother who had recently passed away, I bolted up, stopped the tape, turned on the light and just sat there incredulously stunned. How could Maharaji know this? After that night,  I gave up entirely my use of marijuana and occasional alcohol, and I took up the practice of Hatha Yoga and more importantly, Meditation. 

Some weeks later, one evening, after going through my routine of Yoga asanas (exercises),  I sat to meditate and absorbed myself in the repetition of a simple Ram mantra.  The mantra deepened and deepened in me when of a sudden there was a burst of bright white light and I had a powerfully electric, ecstatic experience that was so intense, it caused me afterwards to decide to devote my life to finding God!

He had long white hair and a long white beard!

In this initiatory experience there was a vision of a man, who I construed to be a holy man or a master. He lay on his side with his elbow on the ground and his head propped in his hand.  He had long white hair and a long white beard and appeared for just a few seconds. When the intensity of the vision had subsided to a degree, I told myself, “I just saw God!”

As I pursued the path of meditation I searched through the myriad teachers from the East that flooded America in those early 70’s, and who were making appearances in New York City, hoping that I would find the man in my vision.  At first when I saw posters of Sri Swami Satchidananda of the Integral Yoga Institute, I thought that he looked a lot like the person in my vision.  I went to a weekend retreat with the popular Swami and found him to be a warm, affable man and a yoga adept, but there was no real connection. So my search went on.

Lex Hixon

A friend of mine was the engineer for  Lex Hixon’s popular radio show “In the Spirit” on Pacifica’s NY radio station, WBAI FM.  My friend invited me to work on the show as technical assistant and a sound engineer and as a music programmer  for when a music interlude was required.  Working on the show, I had the opportunity to meet all kinds of teachers from Hindu Swamis, to Sufi and Zen Masters to self styled American Gurus. Some were quite fantastic.  Once, I wound up sitting across the studio glass from Aido Roshi,  then abbot of the NY Zen Center, who had set up his alter so it was just below the glass window.  In effect, I was right in the path of the Roshi’s chants, prayers, and devotions as he spoke them.  The program ended late and I had to run to catch a train home. Sitting on the train I was pulled into such a high state of meditation, I lost track of where I was, and, if not for a friendly conductor tapping me gently from my reverie, I would probably have ridden that train to the end of the line, many stops beyond my own!


Regardless how attracted I was to a teacher or teaching, I was always cognizant of  Ram Das’s advice in  “Be here Now,” of not taking any teacher’s initiations unless it felt absolutely right.  So I continued my search. 

Hilda Charlton

By 1972,  I was working as a concert sound mixer and stage manager for Long Island’s beloved concert venue, “My Father’s Place.” Through some musicians that were appearing there, I was introduced to Hilda Charlton, an American spiritual teacher who spent 17 years in India, first as a dancer, and then as a mystic, and who had spent time with many amazing well known, and some even more amazing lesser known holy men and women.  When she returned to America she was asked to teach a meditation class by some young spiritual seekers, so she began to teach a class at a small Church in New York’s West Village.  I took teachings from Hilda (which required no initiation, fee, or vow), for 7 years,  and through her, heard amazing stories about this wonderful Holy Man from South India, Sri Sathya Sai Baba, with whom she had spent quite a bit of time.  

A significant incident happened in 1976.  I was living with some other students of Hilda in a house near the water of the LI Sound, between the Throggs Neck and Whitestone  bridges.  I was sitting with my house-mate, Michael in his room. It was early evening so the lights were low and the only light in the room was from the candles on his alter.  Upon that alter were pictures of various Indian saints including,  Sathya Sai Baba, Shrirdi Sai Baba, Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa, Yogananda, Sri Ramana Maharshi and Neem Karoli Baba.   I was sitting on the floor next to the alter and Micahael was sitting across the small room from me with his back against the wall.  We began to discuss spiritual matters and as we did I flipped into that same state of 

God has a huge sense of humor!

consciousness that scared me so much at age 11.  I had lost consciousness of myself as a name and form and was just s point of consciousness, and nothing else.  The strange thing about being in that place was that I found it all to be hysterically funny!  I remember that I thought for a moment of my name,  personality, mind and body and was amazed that I had ever connected myself to those silly limitations.  I was expansive, universaal, and it was all just so funny.  What was also funny was that I was able to speak and answer Michael's questions from that place.  I remember glancing over at the alter at the pictures of those holy men and for a moment I glimpsed what it must be like for these spirtitually free beings to come to this dualistic plane in order to help others to find out who they really are.  "We must appear to these fellows to be total idiots," I laughed!.  That day I made  a wonderful discovery! God has a huge sense of humor!  I mean gut busting laughter funny.  I mean not knowing if your heart can take it - omigod I'm gonna die laughter!  For a good example of this watch this short video of Mooji, a contemporary teacher of "advaita vedanta," or non-dual reality.  Watch: "Laughing Buddha".

Where this same state of consciousness scared me as a child, this time, in Michael's, room it was blissful, and yes, very, very  funny.  This time I had the foundation of six years of study and meditation practice.

 It was about this time that I had left Hilda's classes  to become more involved with the Sathya Sai Baba Centers in NYC and Queens, NY.  I finally was able to put together the money and the time off from work to make my long awaited trip to India to see the Guru who was the center of my spiritual practices.  I traveled to India twice to see Sai Baba.   My first trip was in 1978.  Sai Baba was very gracious, granting me several personal “interviews” and even materializing a crystal  japa mala (rosary) for my use.   I married in 1980 and in 1984 brought my wife Deborah, and my 19 month old daughter, Autumn, to India, where the family was graced with a private interview with Sai Baba who materialized a pendant for Autumn, who is now 27. 


Many people believe that Sai Baba was a "Poona Avatara,"  a full incarnation of godhead, a being who was born fullly conscious of his divinity.  There are so many stories about Sai Baba's "miracles," and I have had my own share of them in my life.  Let me relate one story for which I have no explanation.

NT Rama Rao as Krishna

I was in India my second time.  We had gotten stuck in the city of Bangalore in the state of Mysore, waiting to take ground transportation to Sai Baba's Ashram, in the little village of Puttaparthi, in the state of Andhra Pradesh.   Its seems that the Minister of Andhra Pradesh,  NT Rama Rao,  was beloved by the people of his state.  He was formerly a film star making hundreds of films and playing Lord Krishna and other divine personages in that celluloid reality.  It turns out that he was a spiritual man, and instead of hoarding the monies he made as a film star, he gave much of it away in the form of lands to the poor people of his state. When he went into politics, he was easily elected to the office of Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh.  In 1984, in a bold move, the opposition party deposed Rama Rao on some trumped up charges.  The people of the state wouldn't have it and so, Andhra Pradsh broke into riots.  The danger was enough to keep the taxis from making the four hour trip from Bangalore to Sai Baba's Ashram. Devotees of Sai Baba traveling to the Ashram started to bunch up in the pleasant (pre tech boom) city of Bangalore.  

Sai Baba giving Darshan

In Bangalore we met many interesting devotees. including an elderly Indian man who was a retired male nurse from Montreal.  He spoke several languages including, Quebecois, Hindi and English.  He was traveling with a devotee from Montreal who spoke only Quebecois.  Jump forward two weeks later when, after a harrowing trip to the Ashram (another long story),  we were  settled in and  were finally sitting on the darshan line (darshan means literally to see, hear or touch  a holy man).  There were about 1500-2000 people at the Ashram at that time and Michael, myself and our friend from Montreal and his Quebecois friend had lucked out that day and were sitting in the first row on the men's side.  My wife and daughter were sitting across the way on the women's 
side. The nurse was interested in coming to live at the Ashram and work in Sai Baba's hospital nearby, and he wanted to ask Baba 's permission to do so.  Just a few people are allowed to come to the Ashram to live.  One may only do so with Baba's permission.  After waiting for some 20 minutes, Sai Baba walked out of his quarters inside the "Prashanti Mandiram," or "Peace Temple," and began to walk along the crowd.  As he drew near I began to get the usual warm vibration of Sai Baba's presence which elicited an deep inner joy.  He walked over to us and asked the nurse from Montreal in English, "What do you want?"  Our friend explained, in English, that he was retired and his children were all grown and settled, and that his wife had passed away, and that he would love to spend his later years working in the hospital at the ashram. Sai Baba pointed to the door he had emerged from just moments ago and said to our friend, "you go!"  Meaning,  he was to sit by the door and wait there to go inside to speak with Sai Baba privately.  Sai Baba made his way through the men's side and then moved to the women's side and then finally back to the veranda of the Temple.   He ushered the several people he had picked for private interviews, which included our friend, into the little room, the door was closed and the people outside dispersed.  Michael, myself and the Quebecois man stayed behind to wait for our friend to come out of the interview.    

After a half an hour,  the door finally opened and out came our friend, smiling from ear to ear.  As he approached us the Quebecois man ran to him excitedly speaking in his French Canadian dialect, a mile a minute!  Our friend spoke back to him in Quebecois, with Michael and I not understanding a word.  We approached the two of them and asked our friend, "what was that all about?  He said that the Quebecois man was so surprised and excited because Sai Baba can speak in Quebecois!

"He can?" I shot back.

"He heard Sai Baba and I conversing in French!" the nurse replied.

"That's ridiculous!" I said, "You and Baba were speaking in English, I heard the whole thing!"

Michael nodded in agreement. 

"I'm sorry, but Baba and I spoke only in Hindi!" the Nurse replied,

Now what kind of trickery or slight of hand was that?  Neat trick in my book! Sathya Sai Baba remains as an enigma in my life.  Oh, the Nurse got his wish and was given permission to move to the Ashram!

For me, an icon in the world for Self

Sai Baba advises his devotees to pick a name and form of God that appeals to them and to visualize that form and repeat that name with the syllable, “Om,” attached to it.  I took Sai Baba’s own name and form (which follows the Hindu  dictum that, “the Guru is God,”) and continued to meditate on Baba’s name and form as a practice for several years.   After a time,  as a direct result of this practice, and much to my surprise, I came to understand that God, or Sai Baba, or what ever name you will attach to the Reality of Self,  lies within my heart.  That God is in me, as me.   It is only Grace that one is able to find a being in the outer world who can reflect that back to you.  Many Gurus lead the aspirant to become more and more attached only to the Guru and not the Self within. This attachment can keep you stuck serving this Guru for lifetimes!  But, when you find a teacher who brings you to the place of  Self within yourself, so that you are no longer dependent on the outer Guru… When you come to this place where the God inside you becomes so patent that you do not need the outer Guru, then you have found a True or Sat Guru. 

Watch for the Next Installment: My Life in Spirit: Part II, "The Other Indians"